Tonight I sit in an empty house. I keep thinking I can hear my 3 year old calling out to me from his bed, but he isn’t there. None of my kids are here tonight. It is their first sleep over with their Dad since he moved out.
I feel conflicted.
To be honest I have been so busy all day and I had so much on this evening I have not had time to stop and think. It was nice to not have to keep to a schedule, no school pick up, no ensuring there was a healthy balanced meal on the table, no squabbles to break up and no whinging. But there were also no cuddles, no giggles, no good night kisses and no I love you Mums.
I am looking forward to a full uninterrupted night’s sleep, no bad dreams and no leg cramps, no cold noses on my pillow and cold feet in my back. But I will miss the warm embraces and the pleas for just one more cuddle, the whispered I love you and you’re the best Mum ever. I am sad that I will not be there to soothe them after their bad dreams and be the last voice they hear today, but excited to have some much needed time and space for me.
This last 6 weeks I have been anticipating this night. For the time and space to just worry about me. I know it has been my decisions that have let me here and that this is a new experience I will adapt to. This is my Normal now as my kids adjust to our new family life, with Mummy in one home and Daddy in another. What is to come as the year unfolds I have NO idea but I am looking forward to finding out, to learning new lessons, to playing and exploring with the kids as I rediscover myself and what drives me forward each day.
No longer am I willing to just get by, to just make it through one more day. Being the only parent in our home will have its challenges, but more than that it will have its own adventures. No longer am I waiting for another person to participate, no longer am I walking around trying not to hurt someone else’s feelings, no longer am I afraid to say this is what I deserve in this life. Being the only parent here means I am the only one to bear the responsibilities of day to day life, but it also means that I am only accountable to me, and to my kids and that doesn’t fill me with fear it fills me with joy.
So while I missed out on an I love you tonight I know that I will get three of them tomorrow when I see my beautiful babies again and I will cherish that moment all the more because of this short absence.
Good night Mamas